I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
