well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I could fuck to npr.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
