Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
