we have officially lost it.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
