... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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