I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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