The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
