I'm laying in your front yard are you home
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
