I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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