if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
