The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
