My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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