i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
