You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
