I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
