she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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