I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
