I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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