how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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