Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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