Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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