He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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