My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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