My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
