Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
