whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
