that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
