I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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