I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
