i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
