My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
