I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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