Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
there is glitter all over my balls
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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