We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
