last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
