It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
