im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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