That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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