Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
