sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Houston, we have a squirter
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
