I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
