You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize