Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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