Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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