my phone needs a breathalizer
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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