I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
