When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
