ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
