How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
