Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
