do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
