I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You made out with two different species that night
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
