My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
