my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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