Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize