On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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