My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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