If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can I color on your dick again?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
