theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
