someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
