Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
